Too many drugs

Jesus, God in heaven, but there are too many pharmaceutical ads out there.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry, just wanted to see if I could write that without laughing.

My leave of ab-senses has ended, and I plan on firing off a few more shots at the pallid pieces of puke that pollute this nation's proud network and cable airways. But first, I have to embed a few songs for a fellow blogger. Enjoy!

"Alcohol" - Brad Paisley

Country-schmuntry. This song could be played at 2 a.m. in any kind of bar in any town in America, and it would be cheered.


"And I was a Boy from School" - Hot Chip

Mopey, moody English boy disco, and I mean that in the best way.


"Walking with a Ghost" - Tegan and Sara"

I dare you to not remember this song forever.


"Lloyd, I'm ready to be Heartbroken" - Camera Obscura

Love, love this song. Reminds me a little of the Sundays, but more sparkly.


"Brother Lee" - Citizen Cope

Very cool tune from a cool guy. And my 10-year-old likes it, too.


"Me and Mia" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists

Great song. Sounds a little like Joe Jackson, and it really rocks.


"Mornings Eleven" - The Magic Numbers

Two sets of British siblings, some attended high school in Queens, and they obviously revere the Beach Boys. Good enough for me.


"Stuck Between Stations" - The Hold Steady

This is the best American rock band out there today. Their last 2 albums are massive, they sound like the bastard sons of Cheap Trick, Bruce, Mitch Ryder, and the MC5, and like nobody else in the world. Also amazing live.

To Dream, Perchance to...Well, to Sell Drugs

This campaign is a topic of debate at the ol’ agency these days. On the one hand, we’re all pretty much in agreement that it’s “creative” and “different.” Some of us are happy that Takeda is giving a big FU to any rules governing unbranded advertising being too close to the branded version. And most everyone likes the beaver (although not everyone agrees that’s what it is).

The thing is, whenever we start talking about the campaign for more than 2 seconds, we inevitably start tearing it apart. The biggest beef by far is:

What the hell is going on?
We all know it’s supposed to be dream subjects/participants who are missing the dreamer who used to visit them. But wha…? Who dreams these dreams? Basically, I’ve come up with 5 main dream themes. And I really can'tseem to shoehorn ol' Schlubby, Abe, Beav, or Major Matt Mason into any of them. And it's too bad, 'cause it would have made the campaign a lot better. Oh, and because I’m lazy, all theme definitions are courtesy of Dreammoods.



1. Falling

“To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.”

I think it would be nice if one spot featured schlubby guy falling, endlessly, screaming in horror, accompanied by the beaver, also screaming in horror.


2. Flying

“To dream that you are flying, signifies a sense of freedom where you had initially felt restricted and limited.”

Does the astronaut count? No. No flying at all. Bitches.


3. Sleeping with someone

“To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character.”

Abe Lincoln. Big hands. Tall hat. You know the dude was mad packing. Alas, not in this campaign. Minor points for “beaver” joke, but, on the whole, a swing and a miss.


4. Killing someone

“To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. You may very well be expressing some anger or hatred toward this person. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.”

So ripe. Schlubby guy assassinates Lincoln, abetted by the beaver. They both hang. Do we see it? Hell no.


5. Being naked in public

“To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment.”

Yeah. Guess I have to say thanks to the creative team on this one. Although technically, the beaver is naked.

Forget it, Jake...

Not a lot of bile or enthusiasm these past few days. I'm sure a long weekend will get me good and riled up. Hey, maybe next week I'll even try to explain the inescapable horror of the detail aid.

Drink up, bitches!

There are bad drug commercials. There are boring drug commercials. There are unwittingly hilarious drug commercials. And then there’s the Flomax commercial. Watch it here.

"Here’s to men who fish. And golf. And fish. And fish and golf. And drive around in vintage American cars. And then fish and golf some more. And then drink water while they’re fishing and driving and golfing and touching each other an awful, awful lot."

God bless us all, are men capable of anything but fishing and golfing and driving around in Mustang/Corvette/Caddy convertibles? The touching part is okay. Frankly, I'd like to see more man on man touching in pharma ads. Not in a gay way (I'm straight, FWIW), but just for some kind of diversion.

Fuckall…"Here’s to not even trying anymore."

Oh, and the creative team scores a big, honking 12-day boondoggle to South Africa or New Zealand, with helicopter shots and an empty golf course for a playground. Hope you got crabs. Fuckers.

Seasons, Painted Ponies, and Atorvastatin

Well, apparently we've come full-circle, with a not so insignificant twist. Years ago, pharma advertising was arguably dignified, quiet, and classy, in the Oglilvy mien.



Doctors were gods among men, dispensing common sense and comfort as much as 'ludes and phenobarbitol. Sure, doctors were being used to sell cigarettes, too, but hey, cigarettes were good for you back then.



Then came the golden years. Seldane started it off, and soon everyone was in on the game, flooding the airwaves and magazine pages with all kinds of wondrous imagery. Suddenly, pharma ads could make you laugh, gasp, and even call your doctor to learn more about hyperkeratonitisosis. Until the wolves came to call. The jackals who stalk the boundaries of our cultural campsites. They're comprised of lawyers, yes, but also legislators, public advocates, crybabies, money-grubbers, opportunists, and the like. For brevity's sake, I'll call them the fuckers. The fuckers didn't like the pharma industry getting so rich. And, emboldened by their success against big tobacco, the fuckers leapt at big pharma, tearing off hunks of flesh and retreating to the shadows.




And now, where do we stand? With long, meaningful, painfully earnest shots of real (!) doctors explaining the risks and benefits of prescription drugs. We've got famous doctors, unknown doctors, useless doctors, doctors who pretend not to be whoring themselves out, and doctors who don't give a damn when the money's good. It's the curse of the sales video times 1000. Now any thought leader worth his or her salt isn't demanding script approval for your new lunch 'n' learn DVD, no, he or she is ten feet tall and bulletproof right there on your high-def screen. The only thing is, side effect profiles and major statements have been dissected and parodied nine ways to Sunday, from Leno to Letterman to seven thousand schmoes on YouTube. So the doctor just looks like...



And still nobody's listening. Which is pretty much what we want to happen, of course, but a lot less fun for the creatives.

We wanted to use a python for Viagra...

What is it with animals? Okay, I can understand the Biaxin bulldog. Not everyone likes that one, but I get it. Plus, it's a real cute bulldog. But people, please. If I see a friggin' tiger in the hospital, I'm on too many meds already.



And I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant is ri-god-damned-diculous, 10,000 percent.



This confuses me, so I must be dumb. But are the terrifying freak-animals supposed to be the threat, or the efficacy?



And this one just kinda creeps me out and makes me never, ever, want to visit Australia.

What we do? Hey, Bill! What we do?

Looking to define your philosophy? Desiring to carve out your niche in the industry? Trying to say something other than “we do pretty much what the other agencies do, only in an office decorated with old airplane parts.” Then jump right in, my friend, and dig into the Pharma Agency Cliché Buffet™. Pick and choose! Mix and match! Close your eyes and cut and paste! Your agency philosophy is in here somewhere:

A first-of-its-kind global healthcare network. Clients count on us to create vivid and compelling messages using a variety of media. Healthcare Marketing E-Defined. This unique organizational structure enables us to deliver full integrated, truly customer-centric service across all communication channels and disciplines. We combine strategic thinking with interactive technologies to maximize the reach, relevance and return of all your marketing efforts. Our work spans the spectrum of every marketing discipline for every target audience and we have a unique ability to provide innovative, cost-cutting healthcare solutions and a real return on investment. Has developed the science messaging for more than 30 major pharmaceutical product launches in 15 therapeutic categories. A hands-on partner, but more importantly, our heads and hearts are in it too. Thinking to the Power of Three. We define and create successful outcomes to maximize brand potential and connect with the challenges of midsize brands. Our talent pool is ideally balanced to consistently produce award-winning, strategically sound, branded communications for both professional and DTC markets. Has a single worldwide P&L and executive management team. Our business is to grow your business with strategically driven marketing communications programs that are inspired, in touch and on target. We are the one agency that is uniquely experienced, organized, and staffed to build and manage truly global, fully integrated brands. Programs that vividly portray your company, products and services to their best advantage. A full-service advertising agency that offers clients big agency experience without big agency bureaucracy. We blaze the way with Rites & Rituals, Belief Briefs, Global Waves, and Brand Arcs. So whatever your healthcare communications needs, we can proudly say, "Been there. Done that. Succeeded." Our vision: to become our clients’ indispensable business partner by harnessing the best brainpower and talent – across disciplines and across the globe – to drive our clients’ business to ever-greater levels of success. From this passion comes advertising that goes beyond simply selling our clients’ products. Concepts that are tastefully presented with just the right appeal, sophistication and persuasion. We believe in providing a "higher standard of care" to our clients, translating key insights into essential ROI. From this passion comes advertising that also enhances the value of our clients’ brands. We provide unparalleled strategic thinking and knock- your- socks- off creative to help clients solve their marketing problems. The first science communication agency. We work by creating a strong link between client, agency, and customer. There is an unbridled enthusiasm around everything that we do - all with the goal of building a team with the passion and drive to create success for our clients and their brands. However, we recognize that producing work that is considered creative is meaningless unless it is the result of spot-on strategic planning. We offer a definite point of view and are passionate about our clients’ businesses. The explosive growth of our clients’ brands, as well as the growth of our agency, has been a direct reflection of our strategic capabilities. We see marketing challenges as opportunities to innovate and excite—both strategically and creatively. We're a full-service professional and consumer advertising agency filled with talented, spirited freethinkers who have launched, built, and revitalized some of the biggest brands in the industry. Think of us as an extension to your marketing staff. We take your business personally and we seek to be a significant contributor to your success. Every client, regardless of size or spend level, receives our full dedication and commitment.

Mmmmm...